I've always been, as far as I am concerned at least, a regular pollyanna when it comes to a lot of things in life. I believe my dad called me the eternal dreamer / optimist. I guess I've always been taught to believe that people are innately good, decent human beings and that everyone strives to be the best that they can for themselves and for others.
Why then do people hurt each other? A friend, a lover, a colleague ... it doesn't matter. At some moment in time, instead of talking through it ... we, and this includes me, choose the easier path to damnation ... namely to shout, to intimidate, to threaten. I've discovered that I was actually nothing BUT a big bully a lot of times and used my intellect or age or expertise or size to get what I wanted from the 'younger / weaker' ones. Is this inbred in all of us by Nature? Survival of the strongest / fittest? Which would mean that I have been a subject of the same by others smarter / older / stronger / bigger than me?
I stopped believing in love. It's true. I just don't believe that something like love can exist in the face of such ... tyranny of our souls! I fear the bully monster in me. I've seen it in others and I would not want to subject another human being, one that I love no less, to that monster. I would not know what I would do if it ever gets out. Cowardice, I hear you say? Better a coward than an abuser yes? Yes, I have become what I never thought I would be. A cynic. A jaded, disenchanted cynic. Urgh.
*I really hope that this is just a funk I'm going through. :P
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