Let's send this volley back to you ...

This blog entry has been drafted for the 15th time, and I'm happy that I had a lunch break to mull over what I really wanted to say to you Charmaine. Whatever has happened, has indeed already happened. Water under the bridge. I can't tell you how to feel, I can only tell you what has happened, in my honest opinion.

I will not digress from what I want to say, nor will I be as erm ... eloquent as you are in describing how you are feeling, felt or will feel.

You asked for an appointment on June 9th, 3 weeks ago. My reply was in the affirmative. I didn't receive a call, nor an sms from you till June 8th, as such I sent you my text message informing you of the day's schedule, and whether you wanted to make it a breakfast appointment or other. If you felt that I was cold / abrupt or whatever you would like to attach to it, please remember that the phone, is nothing more than a means of communicating a message, there is no real emotion or essence behind it. Take it how you will, but I think you know me enough to know that I would not be rude to you, much less over an sms Charmaine. I AM 27 this year, and if I wanted to be rude, I'd just call and yell at you or something.

If anything, I thought I was letting you know about my schedule so that you could inform me how you would like to plan the appointment for the day - if you had meant that you would like to have the whole day, please let me know. I am not a mind reader.

Now, after reading your blog entry, and 'novel sms', and as incongruent as they may seem, let me say that I do not feel the obligation to apologize, as I don't feel that I have wronged you in any way whatsoever, however, I am SORRY that you are feeling the way that you are and if I made you feel that way, I do apologize.

Since you are hitting below the belt by hoping that I am liking the person that I am, let me assure you, no one else in this world right now, loves me the way that I do. I admit that I'm not the most perfect being in this world, but I'm doing my best in all circumstances.

Let me make one thing clear to you Charmaine, as it is obvious that it is LOST on you, I've never, ever really had anything that I was proud of of myself, until I started working and now it's been 5 years, and I am really loving my job now. I have something that I'm proud of, and it's allowed me to buy my dream home, which if you didn't mean jack fucking shit to me, I wouldn't have brought you there ok? I have a car that I love and my relationship with my family is getting better from the fucking hell hole that it was. Is it wrong to work at that as my priority in life? Sure a lot of times I have bad days at the office - who the hell doesn't??!! At least I do my best to correct the situation and this blog is my vent to vent out and then find solutions.

Serene said that this to me and it didn't make a lot of sense until now:

'not wanting to sound cynical, but who ever said life is fair is an idiot.. and as i grew up, moved out frm home, came to the big city, i found out how true that is.

we do the best we can in our circumstances, we aim to make ourselves happy, and you my dear, should aim to make yourself happy first & foremost. it's not being selfish, it's called 'to sustain oneself' in my dictionary ;)

then and only then will some things cease to be a big deal. you are a wonderful person, and i am proud to call you family :)

Whatever has happened, is in my opinion, due to a breakdown in communication. However, I still feel that you are sore over it . Don't tell me that I did not try to call and talk to you, I did, but you were firstly 'driving and extremely emotional' and the next you were in Singapore without any credit, hence you were unable to take the call.

Whatever it's worth, things have changed in terms of me being someone who used to love to hang out, to me loving my alone time after work. I'm sorry if you feel sidelined, but it's the same with Chee Weng and Jonathan. Don't believe me? Ask them. I haven't seen them in months, but we keep in touch with emails, blogs and sms'.

The ball's back in your court. Do what you wish with it.